Regulating the Nervous System

regulating-the-nervous-system

“Regulate your nervous system” has become one of the most repeated phrases in the healing and wellness space. Breathe. Ground. Vagus nerve. Cold plunges. Calm down. Settle. Regulate.

And while none of those things are wrong, I keep noticing something underneath the way we talk about regulation.

Why are we always trying to calm the nervous system down? Why is the goal almost always to get rid of the activation, instead of understanding why it’s there in the first place?

When your nervous system is dysregulated, it’s not malfunctioning. It’s responding. It’s doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe at some point in your life.

So the question is not “How do I make this stop?”
The question is “What is this responding to?”

Because if your nervous system keeps going into fight, flight, freeze, collapse, or hypervigilance, it’s not random, it’s patterned. And patterns come from experience.

A nervous system doesn’t become dysregulated in a vacuum. It becomes dysregulated because at some point, it learned that it had to.

Regulation Without Understanding Becomes Another Form of Control

A lot of regulation practices are actually just another attempt to override what we’re feeling.

Calm down.
Relax.
Breathe through it.
Get back to baseline.
Make it go away.

And sometimes those tools are necessary. Especially when someone is overwhelmed, panicking, or outside their window of tolerance. But if regulation is the only thing we ever do, we miss the deeper work. Because calming a nervous system without understanding it is like putting a lid on a boiling pot and walking away. The pressure doesn’t disappear, it just waits.

This is why so many people say, “I meditate, I breathe, I journal, I do all the things, and I’m still anxious.” I’ve had people say this to me word for word.

Of course you are.

Your nervous system isn’t asking to be silenced, it’s asking to be heard.

Dysregulation Is Information

Your nervous system holds memory. Not cognitive memory, but embodied memory.

It remembers what it was like to not be safe.
It remembers when you had to stay alert.
It remembers when rest was not allowed, or when slowing down made things worse.
It remembers when expressing emotion had consequences.
It remembers when you were alone with too much.

So when your system goes into activation, it’s not overreacting, it’s reacting based on what it learned.

Instead of asking, “How do I calm this down?”
Try asking, “What does my nervous system believe is happening right now?”

Because often, the present moment is not actually the problem.

The body is responding to the past through the lens of the present.

Being With the Nervous System Instead of Managing It

There is a difference between regulation and relationship.

Regulation says, “Let’s get you back to normal.”
Relationship says, “I’m here with you. I want to understand you.”

When you begin to be with your nervous system, something shifts. You stop treating activation as an enemy. You stop making anxiety wrong. You stop trying to fix yourself.

You start listening.

And listening sounds like this:
“I notice my chest is tight.”
“I notice my body feels on edge.”
“I notice I’m bracing.”
“I notice I’m exhausted and shut down.”

No fixing. No calming. No forcing. Just noticing, with curiosity. This is where real regulation starts, not through control, but through connection.

The Nervous System Calms When It Feels Safe, Not When It’s Forced

Safety is not something you can think your way into.

You cannot logic a nervous system into calming down.
You cannot convince it with affirmations.
You cannot bypass it with positivity.

Safety is built through experience. And that part often gets missed.

Through being with sensation instead of fleeing it.
Through staying present when emotions rise.
Through allowing the body to complete what it was once unable to complete.
Through having someone witness you without trying to change you.
Through learning that you can feel and survive at the same time.

This is why the deepest healing doesn’t come from doing more techniques, it comes from creating enough safety to stay.

Regulation Is Not the End Goal

Regulation is not the destination, it’s a byproduct.

When the nervous system feels understood, it settles.
When it feels listened to, it softens.
When it no longer has to scream to be noticed, it quiets on its own.

So yes, breathe when you need to.
Ground when you are overwhelmed.
Use tools that support you.

But also ask deeper questions.

What did my nervous system have to adapt to?
What does it believe is unsafe?
What am I protecting myself from?
What am I afraid to feel?

Because healing isn’t about becoming calm all the time.

It’s about becoming present with yourself in all states.

And paradoxically, that is what finally allows the nervous system to rest.